Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Movie Reviews of Gor!

Not a vidcap from the Gor movie, though something like it SHOULD have been in the movie, somewhere. Actual image source: Sex and

Hugely successful million-plus view blogs like this one don't happen by accident. They're intentionally committed, like first-degree murders. As part of my intentional commitment of this blog, I keep an eye on the keywords that bring people to it. Generally they are kinda predicable phrases like "Pat Powers moron" and "Pat Powers fucks up" and "bondage made laughable."

But the other day I found a strange sting of keywords: "naked first girl of gor." I mean, it's not strange that "Gor" would lead to posts on my blog, since I write about Gor a lot, but "first girl"? First girls in Gor are slaves who are put in charge of other slaves, generally in a kennel or a household with a lot of slaves. I've used it in exactly 3 posts on the blog, which is more than I would have thought, but still not a lot.

Well I guess in using the term at all I set my blog apart from other websites. But I was still curious so I ran the term "naked first girl of Gor" through Google to see what came up. Then I checked the image results rather than the web results because in certain respects image results can tell you more about the content of a web page/site/blog post than the text.

For example, if an image result is a standard Gor novel cover you can be fairly sure that the content of the site/blog is selling or reviewing or quoting the Gor novels. If the image result is a Second Life Gor image, it's likely related to Second Life Gor. And if an image result is a vidcap from one of the godawful Gor movies, it's likely related to a review of those movies.

I found a SURPRISING number of vidcaps of the Gor movie in the results, and almost all of them linked to reviews of the Gor movie, some of which I have not read, which is kind of amazing ... people are still reviewing the Gor movie, apparently, even after I wrote the definitive review of Gor the movie years ago.

Well actually, it's not the definitive review. I really didn't get the last word in on Gor until I reviewed the movie Warrior Queen, which was written by the same fellow who wrote the Gor movies, Harry Alan Towers. In Warrior Queen I wrote of Towers:

Harry Alan Towers (is) a notorious hack and former child star who would have been much less of a detriment to society if he had only taken up robbing convenience stores and beating up transvestite prostitutes like other former child stars, instead of producing and writing terrible movies ...

But you know, I read all the reviews I hadn't read yet and found it a kind of interesting experience. All of them got the essentials about the movie: that it was terrible, boring and awful. Most knew enough about the Gor novels to know that the movie shared little or nothing with them except a title.

Several of the reviews showed the usual weird combination of ignorance about Gor and hositilty toward Gor. Others looked at the films purely as works of fiction. Reading all the reviews is very much a Rashomon-style experience -- each review "got" that the movie was bad, but each found it bad in different ways that revealed more about the reviewer than it did about the movie. Here are links to the movie reviews I found, read them for yourself if you feel like THOROUGHLY wasting time on the Internet. Bon Appetit!

Part 1 of Cosmic Cinema's very thorough two-part review of Gor
Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension review
Love Train For the Tenebrous Empire review
Badass Digest review

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