Ten Highy Kinky Movies (That Are No Damn Fun)

J.J. Von Schnerk: "Vat, is dis naked, fucked, bound woman SMILINK as if she is experiencing pleasure? Does she know NUZZINK of how fine movies are made?" 
Image source: Kink.com shoot 4666 starring a smiling Madison Young and Mark Davis.
On a site called Whatculture! they have a list of 10 Highly Kinky Films. The list describes what made the films kinky and also interesting and watchable. The films are:

Preaching to the Perverted, Lorna, Spanking the Monkey, Bound, The Piano Teacher, Quills, Belle de Jour, 9 1/2 Weeks, Secretary, Crimes of Passion.

OK, here's my quickie reviews of all these films:
Preaching to the Perverted - didn't watch.
Lorna -- didn't watch, no reported bondage.
Spanking the Monkey -- didn't watch, no reported bondage, and squicky incest.
Bound -- watched, and OK gangster film with some good Skinamax style lesbian scenes and some nice damsel in distress nonsexual bondage.
The Piano Teacher -- didn't watch, tried, but too boring.
Quills -- also boring
Belle de Jour -- also boring
9 1/2 Weeks -- boring Skinamax trash that excluded all the bondage scenes in the book
Secretary -- the only film worth watching in the bunch. Maggie Gyllenhaal really does a great job of conveying the excitement, desperation and eroticism of her submissive character's feelings.
Crimes of Passion -- tried to watch it, boring.

Now you will have noticed that I have dismissed almost all of the bondage-content-bearing kinky films as boring. Well, sorry, that's my unfettered opinion of them. Like art films, mainstream films tend to handle kink as if were some horrible, serious necessity that people are forced to do by mysterious urges, possibly emanating from the Planet Netheria, which do not reward the users with pleasure and human contact, but force them to do very nasty things that they can barely stifle their gasps of horror while doing.

OK, I may be over-reaching there, but not by much. People do bondage for the same reason that people have vanilla sex, because it feels good and it's fun. But mainstream films can never portray that, that's left to porn, in most cases. A shame, because some poor kid who doesn't have access to porn may grow up thinking kinky=boring, based on what he or she sees in mainstream films.

Oh, well, I am glad mainstream sites are just listing kinky movies without Eeeewing them. That's progress, I guess.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Suitable for Television Only?

When's the last time you ever saw this in a mainstream movie? Never? Thought so! Image source: Hogtied.com.
Another heartening sign that the people are smarter than the media comes from an article on booksnreview.com, which asks the question, "'Fifty Shades of Grey' Movie: Too Kinky for Film? Fans Rather See Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey on TV Show, HBO Series'.

Hell, yeah! Sometimes you see indie movies that do sexually challenging stuff right, but mainstream movie makers almost never get it right. They always tone the sexy way down. With 50 million in sales, the book clearly has huge potential to be either a monster movie a la "Gone with the Wind" or a franchise a la Star Wars. The studio heads are going to be so hot to protect their monster movie's profit potential that they are going to absolutely avoid doing anything too risky.

Remember the hash they made of "9 1/2 Weeks"? Of "Exit to Eden?" The only reason they didn't fuck up "Story of O" is that it was done by the French. So the odds on a good movie version of Fifty Shades? Low, man, way fucking low.

TV cable channels like HBO and Spartacus, however ... different story. They have got some kickass writers and producers who have proven that they know how to handle the raunchy. Game of Thrones and Spartacus are some of the hottest mainstream sexual imagery going right now, combined with topnotch dramatic stories. This would be the best shot Fifty Shades has at a good film adaptation, but it's not happening. Going to be a freaking movie. And almost certainly, a fucking failure.

We shall see.


Vidcap from an episode of the Starz cable channel series "Spartacus: Vengeance." Yep, the Starz people could flat-out HANDLE the raunch in Fifty Shades of Gray.