I Stole Glori-Anne Gilbert's Breasts!!!

Glori Anne has some great assets as an actress and she isn't afraid to display. Must be her stripper background.
I first encountered Glori-Anne Gilbert when I was looking for a breast. I needed the breast because I was drawing a slavegirl, and the model I was using didn't have a rack large enough to fully express my artistic intent. So I did a Google search and was quite gratified to find that there were quite a few images of breasts on the internet. Most were at the wrong angle, or too small, and a few were too big, but one pair was JUUUST RIIIIIGHT and that one belonged to Glori-Anne Gilbert, who so far as the internet knew, was a popular stripper working in Florida.

Flash forward a couple of years. I'm watching the Sci-Fi Channel. One of my many weaknesses when it comes to culture is their original movies, especially the creature features involving giant lizards, snakes, fish, mosquitoes, etc. I'm watching "Curse of the Komodo Dragon" about an island with a 50-foot long Komodo Dragon happily feeding on tourists and whatnot.

One of the actors in the film looks familiar somehow. Especially the bulges under her crop-top T-shirt. Yes, it's Glori-Anne Gilbert herself, who enlivens the movie with (among other things) a nude swimming scene, which of course the Sci-Fi Channel had to edit out because naked breasts are somehow Evil to some people.

Glori-Anne has since gone on to enliven a number of science fiction B movies (Cry of the Winged Serpent, Komodo vs. Cobra) as well as many Skinamax movies (Busty Cops 2, The Wives of Breastwick.) She's not going to put Meryl Streep out of business anytime soon, but at least she can manage not to smile during a dramatic scene, which puts her well ahead of many Skinamax actresses. Ande her body puts her even farther ahead.

I welcome Glori-Anne Gilbert to the ranks of science fiction B-movie and Skinamax actresses. She has looks that will enliven them all.

BUSTED: Busty Neighbors and Busty Models

This is Glorianne Gilbert. She is an actual busty model. She doesn't look anything LIKE the stars of "Busty Neighbors" and "Busty Models." They are not busty. (Click on the pic to see a larger image.)

So I did a fast-forward scan through a Skinamax flick called "Busty Neighbors" via cable on demand, and I gotta say, I was disappointed.

The title had aroused certain expectations, you see. Namely, that a large proportion of the actresses in the film would be ... you know ... busty. Large racks, that sort of thing.

Sorry, it was not to be. All of the leads had very nice breasts, but none of them had large breasts.

There were only four characters in the film that had large breasts, which sounds like a lot, but "Busty Neighbors" was a clip show, and it had a couple of dozen characters appearing in it, mostly in the form of brief clips of them having sex, which was the case for all four of the actually busty women who appeared in "Busty Neighbors."

The four women who served as the plot device for stringing the clips together, who got a lot more screen time, were all notably NOT busty.

Frankly, if you're going to do a flick called "Busty Neighbors" your hosts should be, I dunno, Kim Dawson, Nikki Fritz, Rebecca Love and most of all Glori Anne Gilbert.

"Busty Models" is another similarly misleading title. There is one woman in it who may be called "busty" by any reasonable standards, and one of the female leads is well-endowed enough that she could be called "busty" by non-porn standards, but ... "Busty Models" IS porn, and she's not busty by porn standards. (However, her breasts are naturals, so I will WILLINGLY call her busty.)

I think you an reasonably say that porn-standard "busty" is a woman who, if she is wearing a T-shirt, is IMMEDIATELY identifiable as having a large rack the moment she enters a room. Male eyes are drawn to her breasts almost without any willpower at all.

That said, every other female sex actor in the movie is modestly endowed -- beautiful breasts, in all cases, but not "busty" by even non-porn standards, in fact, mostly A-cups if you know what I mean.

So why do these filmmakers call their movies "Busty" when that adjective is just plain misleading? One suspects a cynical notion that their videos will get more buyers if they are called "Busty Models" rather than "Modestly Endowed Models," which is probably true, but still, it's bad marketing. As I explained in my article on the swift demise of the Birds of Prey TV series, if one markets a TV show or a movie as having a certain appeal, then you have to follow through on what that appeal is if you plan on marketing anything like it in the future, because of course the people who find what you are marketing appealing will notice that it isn't there, and will avoid your future products thereafter, having been hosed once by you.

Thus, I would advise anyone reading this column who finds "Busty" to be attractive, to be very leery of "Busty" anything movies, with the exception of "Busty Cops I" and "Busty Cops 2," both of which I have seen and both of which feature actual busty actresses playing the lead roles.

This has been a regulary-guy public service message.