Pondering Pinder's Pendulous Pecs Pics

(Points to the caption provided for the picture by the magazine that published it): And I thought MY captions were kind of a reach sometimes. Presumably several people would have had the opportunity to come up with a caption, and "There must be an easier way to eat this spaghetti" was the best they could come up with. Granted, it's funnier and makes more sense than MOST laddie mag captions, but here's a few alternatives:

1) She chewed idly on the chain of her wrist bonds, fondly remembering the taste of last night's bacon-flavored ballgag.

2) She thought it a very strange way to floss her teeth, and she was puzzled as to why she had to do it in the nude, but the man WAS a professional dentist.

3) The feel of her wrists in cuffs made her long desperately to have something, ANYTHING in her mouth. Why had her captor not had the decency to gag her?

Five minutes for the three of them. Granted, I am sort of a specialist at this sort of thing, but really ... was that so hard?

Lucy Pinder is a celebrity of some sort in England, starting her career as a Page 3 girl. (Page 3 girls are women who pose for mildly racy topless photos that traditionally appear on page 3 of the British tabloid "The Daily Mail" and on other pages of competing tabloids.) She's moved on to television, appearing on various programs such as "Big Brother" and something called "Nuts TV."

Anti-Bellum

“OK, I’ll play the scene out, but I do NOT think they used nipple clamps on slaves in the pre-Civil War South!”
Image is supposed to be from Dying God a run of the mill serial killer flick, except of course that nipple clamps are almost unknown in mainstream films. Couldn't find the original photo online, and it's disappeared from my files, so I substituted this very nice image of Skin Diamond wearing nipple clamps.

Heidi Grows Up

"Odle-lay-ee-hoo! Any dude'll do!"

Heidi outgrew her dirndl skirt with such womanly vigor, her kindly uncle knew it was time to put the ring gag on her and teach her the Swiss folk art of cock yodeling.

Image source: Unknown. Model is identified at "Big Red."

Chupacabra Terror: Dark, Busty Seas

Chelan Simmons as "Jenny" is bound to the galley in "Chupacabra Terror" (2005). Large, lovely breasts with ropes above and below them, and she does some vigorous shaking of said breasts in this scene. If she were topless it would be softcore porn. As it is, it's pretty damn good, a lot better than the movie that was the pretext for it.

This still image doesn't capture the beauty of this scene, because once the looney scientist on the right leaves, the writhing begins, and by "writhing" we mean furious waggling of ginormous hooters. It is tasty indeed. Too bad about the rest of the movie. It's a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, all right?

Chupacabra: Dark Seas is the story of what happens when a chupacabra gets loose on a ship at sea. Apparently, it kills people a lot. (I thought they were partial to goats.)

The brave captain, his beautiful daughter, the loony scientist and the hero try to track down the chupacabra, but they just can't manage to find it no matter how halfheartedly they search. Which is amazing considering the chupacabra is obviously just a guy in a latex suit.

Finally, the loony scientist decides to set a trap for the chupacabra, and he has excellent taste in bait: he chooses the beautiful, busty, blonde captain's daughter. (Er, it's not the captain who is beautiful, busty and blonde, which is good thing because he's played by John Rhys-Davies.)

What's more, the captain's daughter just happens to be wearing a VERY form-fitting shirt when the loony scientist puts the grab on her (did I mention she was busty?).

In short order she's tied on top of a steel table in the ship's galley, with some nice, bright lights shining on her so we can see every curve and rope and so forth. She's secured to some shelving that's bolted to the table (on a ship, everything has to be bolted down, so she's securely secured).

Best of all, her hands are tied behind her back, and she's secured to the table by a set of breast ropes that nicely set off her huge rack (see: busty). Our busty damsel squirms desperately as she attempts to get free of the ropes, apparently making a very rational decision that her best hope is to waggle her breasts rapidly from side to side in hopes that her incredible woman power will snap the ropes.

I won't reveal whether or not she succeeds. I'll just point out that her wriggling constitutes the only good scene in the entire movie. It's five minutes of gold buried in 90 minutes of slag. Surprising, how often that happens.

BUSTED: Busty Neighbors and Busty Models

This is Glorianne Gilbert. She is an actual busty model. She doesn't look anything LIKE the stars of "Busty Neighbors" and "Busty Models." They are not busty. (Click on the pic to see a larger image.)

So I did a fast-forward scan through a Skinamax flick called "Busty Neighbors" via cable on demand, and I gotta say, I was disappointed.

The title had aroused certain expectations, you see. Namely, that a large proportion of the actresses in the film would be ... you know ... busty. Large racks, that sort of thing.

Sorry, it was not to be. All of the leads had very nice breasts, but none of them had large breasts.

There were only four characters in the film that had large breasts, which sounds like a lot, but "Busty Neighbors" was a clip show, and it had a couple of dozen characters appearing in it, mostly in the form of brief clips of them having sex, which was the case for all four of the actually busty women who appeared in "Busty Neighbors."

The four women who served as the plot device for stringing the clips together, who got a lot more screen time, were all notably NOT busty.

Frankly, if you're going to do a flick called "Busty Neighbors" your hosts should be, I dunno, Kim Dawson, Nikki Fritz, Rebecca Love and most of all Glori Anne Gilbert.

"Busty Models" is another similarly misleading title. There is one woman in it who may be called "busty" by any reasonable standards, and one of the female leads is well-endowed enough that she could be called "busty" by non-porn standards, but ... "Busty Models" IS porn, and she's not busty by porn standards. (However, her breasts are naturals, so I will WILLINGLY call her busty.)

I think you an reasonably say that porn-standard "busty" is a woman who, if she is wearing a T-shirt, is IMMEDIATELY identifiable as having a large rack the moment she enters a room. Male eyes are drawn to her breasts almost without any willpower at all.

That said, every other female sex actor in the movie is modestly endowed -- beautiful breasts, in all cases, but not "busty" by even non-porn standards, in fact, mostly A-cups if you know what I mean.

So why do these filmmakers call their movies "Busty" when that adjective is just plain misleading? One suspects a cynical notion that their videos will get more buyers if they are called "Busty Models" rather than "Modestly Endowed Models," which is probably true, but still, it's bad marketing. As I explained in my article on the swift demise of the Birds of Prey TV series, if one markets a TV show or a movie as having a certain appeal, then you have to follow through on what that appeal is if you plan on marketing anything like it in the future, because of course the people who find what you are marketing appealing will notice that it isn't there, and will avoid your future products thereafter, having been hosed once by you.

Thus, I would advise anyone reading this column who finds "Busty" to be attractive, to be very leery of "Busty" anything movies, with the exception of "Busty Cops I" and "Busty Cops 2," both of which I have seen and both of which feature actual busty actresses playing the lead roles.

This has been a regulary-guy public service message.