Naked Women of Cell Block F Reviewed

"Please excuse us for swarming you like this, sir, but we've been in prison and ... it's been a long time for us ..." Image source: Vidcap from "Women of Cell Block F."
While converting my library of old VHS tapes to DVD format, I came across a film I did not know I had taped, Girls of Cell Block F, a XXX film. (There is a fair amount of stuff in my video collection that I did not know I had taped, most of it is garbage. Some, or as my wife puts it, "almost all") of the stuff I KNOW I taped is garbage, too. But at least I knew I had it!)

Remember the old Jolly Roper department, "The No Bondage Zone", filled with films that by all rights SHOULD have had bondage but had little or none? Well, The Women of Cell Block F (I'm not calling it The Girls of Cell Block F, as it's not a juvenile prison) goes the inhabitants of "The No-Bondage Zone" one better. Its title clearly indicates that it should be a women in prison movie, but it lacks one of the two things that are essential to a women in prison film ... a prison! (The other, of course, is women, which the movie DOES have ... see above.)

Frankly, I'm pretty sure the movie is the way it is because it's a budgie job.

How did they manage that? And what's a budgie job? (You Monty Python fans might be able to guess.) Read the review here and learn all, as well as seeing images from VHS tapes copied so long ago that the video smearing renders some XXX-rated scenes into a soft R rating.


My video collection is full of interesting stuff, like this vidcap of the widest, raunchiest spreadeagle bondage in non-premium cable television -- it's from an episode of the Howard Stern Show that used to run on the E! Network, featuring Jaqi, a professional tickler of women. Image source: vidcap from the Howard Stern show.

Best Use of "Mmph!" In A XXX Film, EVAH!

One of the most humiliating bondage positions ever. Talk about "Assume the position!"

Way back in 1983, when feminists were getting their back hair up about maledom/femsub bondage imagery, there were some XXX films that pushed the envelope in that regard, and Smoker is definitely one of them.

It was also quite funny at times.

Smoker was a XXX spy spoof about a McGuffinesque series of bomb parts disguised as vibrators that would be used in a bomb designed to blow up the world.

A box of these devices accidentally gets sent to a sex shop and sold to various hotties, as often occurs in XXX land. One of the hotties is Angie (played by Troye Lane, apparently her only movie role ever according to IMDB. I personally don't buy it ... this face looks familiar. (See below.)


"Have you seen me? Really, if anyone recognizes this actress, please post a response.

Angie's innocent purchase leads her to a whirlwind of spy intrigue when spies get the idea that she has accidentally purchased one of the bomb parts. They kidnap her, tie her up and attempt to get her to divulge the vibrator's location by having sex with her while she's tied up, as any group of villainous spies would.

Unfortunately, Angie's vibrator has been stolen by a voyeur and she doesn't know where it is. Of course, the spies just think Angie's protestations of innocence mean she's a really tough nut to crack, so it's lots more bondage and sex for her.

This sets up our great use of "Mmph!" The head of the spy ring is Lady Suque, ably played by Sharon Mitchell. She's assisted by two goons, Freddy played by Ron Jeremy, and "Henchman" played by Eric Edwards.

At one point, Freddy and Henchman have Angie tied up as seen above. Freddy is getting head from Angie and Henchman is taking Angie doggy style, both at the same time. Angie's just taking it, about all she can do, bound as she is, while Lady Suque ... soliloquizes. Angie's predicament is much more clearly illustrate here. Note the way Lady Suque joins in dominating Angie by controlling the ropes around her chest.

Lady Suque's speech is your classic villainous self-justification bullshit soliloquizing:

Lady Suque: In the end it is good not to care at all. But I can't help it, I get caught up in caring.

Henchman: What do you care about, boss?

Lady Suque: I care about power. I want my power to run though myself alone. I can't wield my power effectively through others. It's limited to me, my own control over my own actions. I find myself powerless. I can hate as much as I want, or want something as much as I like, but all this humanity gets in the way. You know, I actually feel completely and effectively trapped.

Angie: Mmmph!

Lady Suque: Poor dear. You feel the same way, too, don't you??

It's hard to believe that porn films used to have writing like this. This is one genre that has not improved over time. US porn went on a reckless race to the bottom and stayed there. What a shame.

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A word of caution. According to IMDB trivia, the most current version of this film has all the sexual bondage imagery excised. That means the particular scene I've cited and a subsequent one of Lady Suque in four point suspension, ballgagged and molested with a bomb part/vibrator, are both gone. The censors may have left in the scene of Angie lying naked on a cot, one foot cuffed to the wall, and one of the Sloan twins tied arms over head with her entire head wrapped in a bandage. This version has a 66-minute run time, I would advise against buying it.

In the interests of full disclosure, the version I have of "Smoker" is censored, too.
It has had all the explicit hardcore imagery removed -- there are no genitals "in action" to be seen in the version I watched. I am sure there must have been an uncensored version released on VHS at one point, but try finding it nowadays. This is a film that the censors just can't keep their grubby little paws off of. In short, a good film.