Ten Highy Kinky Movies (That Are No Damn Fun)

J.J. Von Schnerk: "Vat, is dis naked, fucked, bound woman SMILINK as if she is experiencing pleasure? Does she know NUZZINK of how fine movies are made?" 
Image source: Kink.com shoot 4666 starring a smiling Madison Young and Mark Davis.
On a site called Whatculture! they have a list of 10 Highly Kinky Films. The list describes what made the films kinky and also interesting and watchable. The films are:

Preaching to the Perverted, Lorna, Spanking the Monkey, Bound, The Piano Teacher, Quills, Belle de Jour, 9 1/2 Weeks, Secretary, Crimes of Passion.

OK, here's my quickie reviews of all these films:
Preaching to the Perverted - didn't watch.
Lorna -- didn't watch, no reported bondage.
Spanking the Monkey -- didn't watch, no reported bondage, and squicky incest.
Bound -- watched, and OK gangster film with some good Skinamax style lesbian scenes and some nice damsel in distress nonsexual bondage.
The Piano Teacher -- didn't watch, tried, but too boring.
Quills -- also boring
Belle de Jour -- also boring
9 1/2 Weeks -- boring Skinamax trash that excluded all the bondage scenes in the book
Secretary -- the only film worth watching in the bunch. Maggie Gyllenhaal really does a great job of conveying the excitement, desperation and eroticism of her submissive character's feelings.
Crimes of Passion -- tried to watch it, boring.

Now you will have noticed that I have dismissed almost all of the bondage-content-bearing kinky films as boring. Well, sorry, that's my unfettered opinion of them. Like art films, mainstream films tend to handle kink as if were some horrible, serious necessity that people are forced to do by mysterious urges, possibly emanating from the Planet Netheria, which do not reward the users with pleasure and human contact, but force them to do very nasty things that they can barely stifle their gasps of horror while doing.

OK, I may be over-reaching there, but not by much. People do bondage for the same reason that people have vanilla sex, because it feels good and it's fun. But mainstream films can never portray that, that's left to porn, in most cases. A shame, because some poor kid who doesn't have access to porn may grow up thinking kinky=boring, based on what he or she sees in mainstream films.

Oh, well, I am glad mainstream sites are just listing kinky movies without Eeeewing them. That's progress, I guess.

Bikini Jones And the Temple of Sexual Bondage

Rebecca Love does some oral loving while cuffed in this topnotch (for Skinamax) sexual bondage scene.
It's been 15 years since we had a sexual bondage scene this good in a Skinamax film, and it might be another 15 years before we do again. In fact, this Skinamax scene has something all the others do not ... lighting! Check out my review of the movie on Bondagerotica.

Testing the Limits of a Reluctant Sensitive Guy

In our review of the Skinamax flick Testing the Limits we introduce the concepts of the Reluctant Sensitive Guy and Lurking Heavy Plot.

The Reluctant Sensitive Guy is a protagonist who isn't interested in all the hot, sexy stuff his girlfriend wants to do. He'd rather stick with reading his old copies of Reader's Digest and sipping weak tea, possibly with a side of vanilla wafers. It's a surprisingly common character in Skinamax films. We explore the concept.


"I sure hope that Sensitive Guy lets us get it on!"

The Lurking Heavy Plot is a device wherein a story that's basically a romance (like the first half hour of Birthday Girl) or a sexual romp (as is Testing the Limits) is ended with an crime melodrama theme, often with little or no development of the theme earlier in the movie. The Lurking Heavy Plot is popular because it allows the writer to slide away from completing the character development that they started earlier in the film. It's a cheat, a scam, a sleazy attempt to substitute hamburger for steak. Happens ALL THE TIME in Skinamax films.

On the bright side, Lorissa McComas gets bound and gagged and naked, though not all at once, and Lorissa McComas is incredibly gorgeous, one of the few Skinamax actresses whose facial beauty matches her body's opulence. Go to my review and check it out if you don't believe me.

BUSTED: Busty Neighbors and Busty Models

This is Glorianne Gilbert. She is an actual busty model. She doesn't look anything LIKE the stars of "Busty Neighbors" and "Busty Models." They are not busty. (Click on the pic to see a larger image.)

So I did a fast-forward scan through a Skinamax flick called "Busty Neighbors" via cable on demand, and I gotta say, I was disappointed.

The title had aroused certain expectations, you see. Namely, that a large proportion of the actresses in the film would be ... you know ... busty. Large racks, that sort of thing.

Sorry, it was not to be. All of the leads had very nice breasts, but none of them had large breasts.

There were only four characters in the film that had large breasts, which sounds like a lot, but "Busty Neighbors" was a clip show, and it had a couple of dozen characters appearing in it, mostly in the form of brief clips of them having sex, which was the case for all four of the actually busty women who appeared in "Busty Neighbors."

The four women who served as the plot device for stringing the clips together, who got a lot more screen time, were all notably NOT busty.

Frankly, if you're going to do a flick called "Busty Neighbors" your hosts should be, I dunno, Kim Dawson, Nikki Fritz, Rebecca Love and most of all Glori Anne Gilbert.

"Busty Models" is another similarly misleading title. There is one woman in it who may be called "busty" by any reasonable standards, and one of the female leads is well-endowed enough that she could be called "busty" by non-porn standards, but ... "Busty Models" IS porn, and she's not busty by porn standards. (However, her breasts are naturals, so I will WILLINGLY call her busty.)

I think you an reasonably say that porn-standard "busty" is a woman who, if she is wearing a T-shirt, is IMMEDIATELY identifiable as having a large rack the moment she enters a room. Male eyes are drawn to her breasts almost without any willpower at all.

That said, every other female sex actor in the movie is modestly endowed -- beautiful breasts, in all cases, but not "busty" by even non-porn standards, in fact, mostly A-cups if you know what I mean.

So why do these filmmakers call their movies "Busty" when that adjective is just plain misleading? One suspects a cynical notion that their videos will get more buyers if they are called "Busty Models" rather than "Modestly Endowed Models," which is probably true, but still, it's bad marketing. As I explained in my article on the swift demise of the Birds of Prey TV series, if one markets a TV show or a movie as having a certain appeal, then you have to follow through on what that appeal is if you plan on marketing anything like it in the future, because of course the people who find what you are marketing appealing will notice that it isn't there, and will avoid your future products thereafter, having been hosed once by you.

Thus, I would advise anyone reading this column who finds "Busty" to be attractive, to be very leery of "Busty" anything movies, with the exception of "Busty Cops I" and "Busty Cops 2," both of which I have seen and both of which feature actual busty actresses playing the lead roles.

This has been a regulary-guy public service message.