Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Zapp Brannigan and the Peach Gag Girl

Is that some kind of sex organ in your mouth, or are you just glad to see me?

Let me be frank: I do not like stuff gags. Any gag that can be removed just by spitting it out is just plain silly. But there is one category of stuff gag I like even less than the rest: the fruit gag, because the damsel has the option of either spitting it out or eating it to get rid of it.

But I'll make an exception for the gag pictured above. (It's from a 1996 Brazilian film called Olhos de Vampa.) It is without a doubt the most obscene gag I've ever seen. The way the peach fills her mouth and the way its color matches the damsel's skin tone makes it appear that some kind of bizarre sex organ is lodged in her mouth.

I can only think of one person who could deal with a gag like that, and that's the intrepid Zapp Brannigan of Futurama.

(Scene: Zapp Brannigan, Kif and Doctor McCoy from Star Trek Original are standing around Peachgag Girl (who has been stripped naked and clapped in irons on the scriptwriters's orders).)

Brannigan: Can you tell what that thing in her mouth is, doctor?

McCoy: It appears to be the head of a giant cock.

Brannigan: What does that mean?

McCoy: Well, given that she appears to also have a fully functional set of female sex organs, I'd say it means she's probably from a hermaphroditic species.

Brannigan: Yes, but what does THAT mean, doctor?

McCoy (sighs, rolls eyes heavenward): It means she has both male and female sex organs. She must have orgasms that will blow your socks off.

Brannigan (thinks): I must personally investigate the sexuality of this strange new alien!

McCoy: If that means what I think it does, you should be aware that she is probably going to jam that cock thing in her mouth down your throat.

Brannigan: Eeeew! Gross! (Thinks again.) Doctor, do you think it would matter to the alien whose throat it's jamming its mouth cock thing into?

(Kif suddenly gets a horrified expression.)

McCoy: I don't know, it's an alien. It might matter a lot, it might not matter at all. It might PREFER to put its cock thing into a different throat than ... yours.

Brannigan: That's all I'm asking for, Doctor, a chance! (Thinks again.) Now who ... oh, I know. Kif! Kif! That's funny he was here a minute ago. He appears to have run away for some reason.

(Peachgag Girl suddenly spits out the peach, which rolls across the floor to Brannigan's feet.)

Brannigan: That was quite an orgasm! Blew its cock clean off! It must have been the nearness of me. I've been known to have that effect on women of many species.

(McCoy: Picks up peach, examines it closely, sniffs it, holds his medical tricorder up to it, checks reading.)

McCoy: This isn't alien genitalia! It's a peach!

Brannigan: A peach?

McCoy: An ancient Earth fruit that became extinct during the Global Reheating of the 2300s. That must mean that she ... is an Earth human! That peach fooled me, um, us ... completely!

Brannigan: Human she may be, but now I feel even more compelled to study her strange, peach-centric sexuality.

McCoy: Nobody saw that coming.

Brannigan: Have Kif bring some "after the lovin'" towels and cigarettes to my room in, oh, about ten minutes.

McCoy: How do you know she's willing to come across, Brannigan?

Brannigan: She's in chains, doctor, and she's naked. Obviously, she's horny as hell. I can't let womanly needs like that go unsatisfied.

McCoy: I thought she was stripped and put in chains on YOUR orders.

Brannigan: Now, now, let's not get all wrapped up in who ordered what done to whom. The point is, this poor Earth woman needs lovin', and Zapp Brannigan is just the man to do it!


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