50 Shades of Silly

I'm pretty sure the girl on the right is faking her orgasm. Image source: Whipped Ass.com.
I found a couple of amusing threads on the Web about 50 Shades of Gray as the clueless and the unlikely have done some Olympic style bandwagon-jumping, so I thought I'd take a break from Second Life Gor to tell you about them.

Let's start with the silliest. Kendra Wilkinson is a reality show star who has just signed up for a new We TV Channel show. A former Playmate, she is noted for her bleating laugh and goatlike stupidity. An article on Foxnews.com (my flying monkeys have no taste!) has Kendra saying this about her new show:

“WE TV represents women and empowering women, and I am so very happy to be a part of all that because I feel like it is time. I’m a woman now and it is time to break out of that shell and have fun and show everyone that it is okay to be a working mom and wife and still step out and be hot,” she told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column at last week’s Us Weekly Hot in Hollywood party. “It’s like the book '50 Shades of Grey,' I think my show has a similar theme to that."

Reading the quote, it is evident that Kendra has not read the book she is talking about. But that's not all. She has no idea what the book is about. Somehow, all the time she spent naked, tied up and ballgagged in Hef's mansion (she once was in a reality show about being a Playboy Playmate) did not connect in her mind with BDSM. It was just something related to sex somehow. (And I just know they gagged her because of that annoying laugh of hers -- she may not even connect being gagged with sex!)

I'm guessing somebody told her she should try to get on the 50 Shades bandwagon. They probably even tried to explain what the book was about. But clearly, it did not stick, and so we got the spectacle of Kendra blathering on about something she clearly knew nothing about. Now anybody who reads this blog regularly knows I don't go bangin' on mindless bimbos ordinarily. Because if you are watching a mindless bimbo for her hot bod, you have no business criticizing her for being a bad actress or saying silly things in her off hours. If her bod is worth watching, then respect her bod for what it is. Nobody criticizes Meryl Streep for not having 38DD breasts and a butt you could bongo on all night long. But this is RIDICULOUS! If you are gonna jump on a bandwagon, at LEAST have some idea what the bandwagon is all about!

Our next entry comes in the area of something strange rather than silly. A wedding planning website, wedplan.com, has an article entitled Starter Fetish Sex Toys During the Bondage Retail Store by something called onlinespring. Considering the fractured grammar in the title and the random links for a certain brand of tennis shoes scattered throughout the article, when I first read it I figured it would turn out to be one of those garbage sites. You know, a site in which a computer program is used to slap together a random collection of keywords with conjunctions to make something resembling an article which might fool a retarded person whose 45th language was English into thinking it was something other than a glob of keywords designed to show up high on search engine lists and get clicked on by people too stupid to breath.

But no, it is actually a readable article about various fetish sex toys you can buy and spice up your honeymoon with. What's more, the rest of the website appears to be a real commercial wedding planning website of SOME sort with all sorts of ways for young girls to bankrupt their parents as they plan their wedding. It appears to be based in Madison, Wisconsin, not Czechoslovakia or China. So ... legit, I guess, though I still regard it with deep suspicion. Maybe garbage sites are getting better, or real sites are turning to garbage. This site may be the Internet equivalent of those fossils that show one kind of thing evolving into another. If so ... blogging is doomed, possibly the Internet and humanity as well. Dammit.

Moving on, the Japanese used to have pillow books (basically, Japanese sex play information) for newlyweds that included bondage imagery in them. (But they did NOT include tentacles ... most of the time.) In America bondage and weddings are not linked, as a general rule. So ... this is new ... and offered without comment other than ... dammit.

Finally, an article in Adult Video News informs us that Adult Source Media's romance studio, Intimate Encounters, is slated to begin work on a hardcore adaptation of 50 Shades of Gray.

Now, I'm four fifths of the way through 50 Shades, and I am in a position to tell you that a hardcore version of the book might be of interest to the usual porn audience (men) but that it's very unlikely that it will do a thing for the mommies that have earned it the sobriquet "mommy porn." Aside from the hot sex scenes, and they are really hot and nicely done, the attraction of the book is that the delicate interplay of the two lead characters, especially the virginal female protagonists' attempts to get a relationship on something like reasonable terms with an experienced, handsome billionaire dom who has had many submissives as his playtoys over the years, and who has lots of Issues about physical and emotional intimacy. And to put it simply, porn actors typically do not handle nuance well. Frankly, I do not anticipate that the mainstream adaptation of 50 Shades is going to be able to do a decent job of adapting the book. a hardcore version? Really unlikely. Really fucking unlikely.

Well, there you have it. All sorts of strange critters are hopping on the 50 Shades bandwagon. Who knows where it will stop next? Wherever it is, you know that it will be a very silly place indeed!