Nude, Bound, Argentinian Damsel in Distress

This woman has naturally large breasts. You can tell when she bounces up in down with excitement as she begs to be released. Yum.

A fellow opined recently on Brianspage that Diane Lane's lengthy gag scene on "Untraceable" was the scene of the year, for him. Others pointed out that the year was far from over and thought he might be a tad premature in his opinion.

I think sometimes a scene comes along that is so good you know from past experience that nothing can beat it -- Nastassia Kinski's nude bondage sex spreadeagle on "Cat People" back in 1982 comes to mind. What's going to beat that? Darned near nothing.

Well, if the scene above from "Sabrina Petinatto Amordazata," an Argentinian comedy show of some kind were to have appeared on U.S. TV this month or even in February I wouldn't have had any problem naming it the scene of the year on TV. I mean, incredibly curvaceous blond gagged and bound with tape and stark naked otherwise? What's not to like? And the bouncing and the mmphing and the fact that it's a comedy so all in good fun? Even better. The fact that I can't understand the language so I'm not groaning at how puerile the humor is? PRICELESS.

Why don't we get this kind of stuff in the U.S.?

Oh, yeah, the Flanderses. Fricking Flanderses.

Zapp Brannigan and the Peach Gag Girl

Is that some kind of sex organ in your mouth, or are you just glad to see me?

Let me be frank: I do not like stuff gags. Any gag that can be removed just by spitting it out is just plain silly. But there is one category of stuff gag I like even less than the rest: the fruit gag, because the damsel has the option of either spitting it out or eating it to get rid of it.

But I'll make an exception for the gag pictured above. (It's from a 1996 Brazilian film called Olhos de Vampa.) It is without a doubt the most obscene gag I've ever seen. The way the peach fills her mouth and the way its color matches the damsel's skin tone makes it appear that some kind of bizarre sex organ is lodged in her mouth.

I can only think of one person who could deal with a gag like that, and that's the intrepid Zapp Brannigan of Futurama.

(Scene: Zapp Brannigan, Kif and Doctor McCoy from Star Trek Original are standing around Peachgag Girl (who has been stripped naked and clapped in irons on the scriptwriters's orders).)

Brannigan: Can you tell what that thing in her mouth is, doctor?

McCoy: It appears to be the head of a giant cock.

Brannigan: What does that mean?

McCoy: Well, given that she appears to also have a fully functional set of female sex organs, I'd say it means she's probably from a hermaphroditic species.

Brannigan: Yes, but what does THAT mean, doctor?

McCoy (sighs, rolls eyes heavenward): It means she has both male and female sex organs. She must have orgasms that will blow your socks off.

Brannigan (thinks): I must personally investigate the sexuality of this strange new alien!

McCoy: If that means what I think it does, you should be aware that she is probably going to jam that cock thing in her mouth down your throat.

Brannigan: Eeeew! Gross! (Thinks again.) Doctor, do you think it would matter to the alien whose throat it's jamming its mouth cock thing into?

(Kif suddenly gets a horrified expression.)

McCoy: I don't know, it's an alien. It might matter a lot, it might not matter at all. It might PREFER to put its cock thing into a different throat than ... yours.

Brannigan: That's all I'm asking for, Doctor, a chance! (Thinks again.) Now who ... oh, I know. Kif! Kif! That's funny he was here a minute ago. He appears to have run away for some reason.

(Peachgag Girl suddenly spits out the peach, which rolls across the floor to Brannigan's feet.)

Brannigan: That was quite an orgasm! Blew its cock clean off! It must have been the nearness of me. I've been known to have that effect on women of many species.

(McCoy: Picks up peach, examines it closely, sniffs it, holds his medical tricorder up to it, checks reading.)

McCoy: This isn't alien genitalia! It's a peach!

Brannigan: A peach?

McCoy: An ancient Earth fruit that became extinct during the Global Reheating of the 2300s. That must mean that she ... is an Earth human! That peach fooled me, um, us ... completely!

Brannigan: Human she may be, but now I feel even more compelled to study her strange, peach-centric sexuality.

McCoy: Nobody saw that coming.

Brannigan: Have Kif bring some "after the lovin'" towels and cigarettes to my room in, oh, about ten minutes.

McCoy: How do you know she's willing to come across, Brannigan?

Brannigan: She's in chains, doctor, and she's naked. Obviously, she's horny as hell. I can't let womanly needs like that go unsatisfied.

McCoy: I thought she was stripped and put in chains on YOUR orders.

Brannigan: Now, now, let's not get all wrapped up in who ordered what done to whom. The point is, this poor Earth woman needs lovin', and Zapp Brannigan is just the man to do it!

END

The Ballgag On the Cutting Room Floor

Hey, Jennifer, did you know your ballgag was on crooked? Do you want all the OTHER damsels in distress to be laughing at you?

Here's an image of Jennifer Garner wearing a ballgag from her "Alias" TV series. Except you'll never see it in any episode of "Alias" or in any commercial or promo that ever aired in the US.

That's because it was aired only in Europe or South America or some exotic place like that, and only in a promotional ad. It never appeared in the series ... anywhere ... and never appeared in the US in any form.

Why did they bother to shoot a scene with Jennifer Garner in a ballgag and then not use it? I don't know. Maybe because the ballgag was way too large for Ms. Garner, so she's having to wear it outside her mouth instead of inside her mouth, which invariably looks foolish. (Julie Brown beautifully exploited the humor potential of this aspect of ballgags in her parody film "Plump Fiction.")

So, here it is, a rarity, not available in the US except through the mysterious ways of the intertubes: Jennifer Garner sitting in a car with some guy who looks kinda like Donald Sutherland (R.I.P.) while wearing a ballgag. Badly. But wearing it. Enjoy! (If you want to see the full size image of her with the guy click on this text.)

(Now if I can just find a vidcap that chair tie of Claire Forlani that never made it to the final cut in "Mystery Men.")

Carla Gugino Cuffed in Threshold

Carla Gugino gets locked into some cuffs in the "Revelations" episode of Threshold, a defunct science fiction TV series that recently had a few episodes rebroadcast as a SciFi Channel mini-marathon of the series.

It's not a great scene in many respects: it is shot mostly in poor lighting, the shots are brief and montage-ish (I believe Gugino's character is supposed to be experiencing her captivity as a druggish, trippy scene). Gugino also has a lot of fake blood on her neck and a little on her face, though she shows no sign of pain.

I couldn't even tell how Gugino was secured for certain after watching it in slo-mo because the scene was so badly lit and shot. I think she had a set of handcuffs on each wrist, with the free end attached to a chain which was wrapped around one of the pipes behind her. But I'm just guessing.

In fact, I wouldn't even have bothered to tell anybody about this scene except for three things:

1) It's Carla Gugino, who has a hot bod and is tres sexy in my humble opinion.

"I'm handcuffed? Why am I not gagged? What an idiot!"

2) There are a lot of very nice shots of Gugino trying to pick the lock on her cuffs, clearly not as well lit as the rest of the scene is, but that do show the cuffs quite nicely as seen below:

Mmm, handcuff porn!

3) In a move that is radically different from the norm in mainstream movies and TV shows, Gugino is dressed considerably sexier than she is in Threshold. Her character is in charge of a government program aimed at preventing a secret alien invasion of Earth, so she tends to wear a lot of power suits that do much to minimize her basic curvaceousness. See below:

 

 Nothing to see here, just an average woman dressed fuddy-duddy.

But in the handcuff scene, Gugino wears a form-fitting white suit that shows off her rack quite nicely.

Need I say more? Mere words would be guilding the lily that is Gugino's body.

In many bondage scenes on TV and in mainstream movies, female characters are inexplicably dressed in extra fuddy-duddy garments that are considerably less form-fitting than what they usually wear. The best you can usually hope for is a character who dresses sexy in their normal scenes (think "Acapulco Heat") who DOESN'T get all fuddy-duddied up for her bondage scene.

Having a normally fuddy-duddy dressing character like Gugino's dressed sexier than normal for a bondage scene is, if not unheard of in the mainstream, extremely rare. It's not worth sending out a press release or writing a major article, but it's probably worth a blog post. Kinda like this one.

Conan the Barbarian of ... Gor?

Sure looks like it!
Conan isn't really a Gorean, according to Volumes 1 and 2 of Savage Sword of Conan, a trade paperback reprint of what many consider to be one of the finest comics of the 1970s in terms of the quality of the artwork and the stories.

If given a choice between binding and gagging a captive or a slavegirl and not doing so, Conan would choose not to, all things being equal, because it was less bother. Not that he has any OBJECTION to binding and gagging women if it seems to be the right thing to do ... he kidnaps them, after all.

Conan also seems to take the consent of slavegirls for granted, at least, those whose skills are sexual. He pimps out one slavegirl as part of a scam to pass her off as a princess and collect a fat ransom for her. In a lot of respects, not just the sexual ones, Conan is NOT a nice guy.

However, the Savage Sword of Conan stories are so beautifully drawn and told that frankly, I just didn't care. It was a feast for the eyes and the mind. 

Nurse Me or Else

In hentai, women are really put on a pedestal. With another woman. Tied up. Naked. And in a glass bowl. Yeah, that's the hentai version all right.

For Cinco de Mayo we have "Nurse Me," a hentai which attempts to be a humorous story about a nurse in training whom EVERYONE wants to rape. Male, female, young, old, they all press their unwanted sexual advances on her virginal self. It's billed as a comedy, but it's not funny, which is ... a bit of a problem. We also look at "Candy" a film which does the same thing more successfully, with Ewa Aulin as the pork chop sought by so many hound dogs ... but not all that successfully, and "Defiance of Good and Evil" a hardcore porn film from the 70s which has a more realistic rape scene than either of these films ... which really kills your average boner.

In addition to that, rape is dangerous ground to tread in the US unless you do it purely on the grounds of condemnation. Light-hearted humor just isn't going to fly here, and if it's not all that funny besides, it will land with a thud. As this hentai does. But it does provide an excuse for looking at the way it was handled in those other films.

Disclaimer: I personally hate rape. I can't get off sexually unless my partner is clearly having a good time. Rapists are a problem for everyone who likes bondage because bondage is associated with rape, even though most rapes involve no bondage whatsoever. I feel at liberty to think about rape in cinema because I think there's a difference between reality and fantasy.

Why Aren't There Any Naked or Half-Naked Women Dancing Channels On TV?

In which I make a valiant attempt to answer what is perhaps the most pressing yet curiously unasked question of our time. Wouldn't it be great to be able to turn the TV over to a channel that features good music and naked or half-naked (see illustration above) women dancing to it. We've got strip clubs all over the place which are a TESTAMENT to the interest guys have in naked women dancing, yet nobody has thought to create a cable channel to cater to this interest?

Good God, man, there's a freaking GOLF CHANNEL! There's a home and garden channel. So why not a strip club channel? I've written a fully illustrated article to address this question, so vital to our national something or other. It features images from the following films: Playboy Playmate Music Videos, Playboy Fantasies, Outlaw of Gor as seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Split Second, Midnight Tease 2, Day of the Warrior and Chupacabra Terror. It features images of the following actresses: Julie K. Smith, Donna Edmonson, Rebecca Armstrong, Barbara Edwards, Shannon Long, Sandy Greenberg, Coco Austin, Chelan Simmons, Luciana Salazar and Tina Shaw, as well as images of a host of unnamed bikini models. It's truly great journalism.