Chupacabra Terror: Dark, Busty Seas

This still image doesn't capture the beauty of this scene, because once the looney scientist on the right leaves, the writhing begins, and by "writhing" we mean furious waggling of ginormous hooters. It is tasty indeed. Too bad about the rest of the movie. It's a Sci-Fi Channel original movie, all right?

Chupacabra: Dark Seas is the story of what happens when a chupacabra gets loose on a ship at sea. Apparently, it kills people a lot. (I thought they were partial to goats.)

The brave captain, his beautiful daughter, the loony scientist and the hero try to track down the chupacabra, but they just can't manage to find it no matter how halfheartedly they search. Which is amazing considering the chupacabra is obviously just a guy in a latex suit.

Finally, the loony scientist decides to set a trap for the chupacabra, and he has excellent taste in bait: he chooses the beautiful, busty, blonde captain's daughter. (Er, it's not the captain who is beautiful, busty and blonde, which is good thing because he's played by John Rhys-Davies.)

What's more, the captain's daughter just happens to be wearing a VERY form-fitting shirt when the loony scientist puts the grab on her (did I mention she was busty?).

In short order she's tied on top of a steel table in the ship's galley, with some nice, bright lights shining on her so we can see every curve and rope and so forth. She's secured to some shelving that's bolted to the table (on a ship, everything has to be bolted down, so she's securely secured).

Best of all, her hands are tied behind her back, and she's secured to the table by a set of breast ropes that nicely set off her huge rack (see: busty). Our busty damsel squirms desperately as she attempts to get free of the ropes, apparently making a very rational decision that her best hope is to waggle her breasts rapidly from side to side in hopes that her incredible woman power will snap the ropes.

I won't reveal whether or not she succeeds. I'll just point out that her wriggling constitutes the only good scene in the entire movie. It's five minutes of gold buried in 90 minutes of slag. Surprising, how often that happens.

Dragonheart: Why Did They Bother?

Kara is bound to a tumbrel in preparation for being a dragon snack. Check out that very nice, tight, well-done bondage. Why did they bother? And hey, is that flying cow supposed to be a dragon?

As we never tire of pointing out, shoddy bondage is endemic in movies and on television. But there's a whole 'nother category of scenes that's even worse, though it is mercifully rare. I'm talking about scenes where extremely good, well-done bondage goes completely to waste.

The scene above from Dragonheart is a great example. Check out the stringency of that bondage: ropes at the wrists and above the elbows! Wrapped in several layers! Tightly! Frapped, too!

You just don't see bondage that good in a mainstream movie very often. And you almost can't see it in Dragonheart. I had to work the freeze-frame function quite hard to get these caps.

In the scene, Kara the heroine (played by the delectable redhead Dina Myer) is tied to a cart to be sacrificed to a dragon. There are a couple of good opportunities to show all the bondage as she's addressing the crowd, imploring them not to sacrifice her, but they are ignored by her in favor of fairly standard medium shots of her addressing the crowd seen from the front.

You know, a shot of her hands twisting helplessly in their bonds while the crowd cries out for her sacrifice would have been very dramatic. So there's excellent reason to show it. But they never do. You only see her from behind in split-second flashes as the dragon approaches, often obscured by the peasants in the foreground.

But here's the thing that really puzzles me: if they went to such lengths to tie up Kara so securely, why didn't they show it? Or to flip the question on its head, if they were just going to show brief fraction of second flashes of the bondage, why did they go to so much trouble to do it right?

You might hypothesize that the people who rigged the bondage knew what they were doing, but the director was oblivious to the dramatic potential of bondage imagery, except that later in the film there's dramatic evidence that he knows very well how to maximize the dramatic impact of bondage imagery. It involves a scene where Kara is once again restrained, this time chained to the walls of her dungeon cell by an evil king who has done her and her father very wrong.

When the evil king comes into her cell to gloat and sexually molest her, being evil, she rushes toward him, maddened by the sight of him, but is restrained by the chains on her wrists. Even so she struggles briefly against the chain in her lust to kill the king.


Very dramatic. Very nice use of bondage imagery. Now, why didn't they think of that in the dragon sacrifice scene? (I bet the king is saying, "Very nice, but you'll have to stretch out farther than that if you want to suck the royal cock."

As you can see, it's very dramatic imagery.

This isn't the only example of carefully and well done bondage imagery going complete to waste. It's not even the worst. A sharp-eyed DiD fan named Van once noted that in a scene from a defunct science fiction series called "Timecop" in which a damsel wearing a futuristic collar stands with her hands held behind her as it cuffed. Standard stuff, so far, hardly worth noting except for the futuristic collar. Van, however, spotted a dark line behind the damsel, and further observation revealed that it was a chain, in a line that would have run from the back of her neck to her wrists if they were bound behind her back.


Check out the dark line running behind the DiD. Once again, the freeze frame detects a virtually invisible bondage rig.

Obviously, some very complex bondage rig had been devised for the damsel, because just linking the chain to the back of her neck would have choked her. But having devised this complex rig, they ... never showed it.

Why do directors waste effort like this? I'd like to go with animal stupidity, but the dungeon scene in Dragonheart argues against that. I dunno what the hell to think.

The Bacon Ball Gag

Likely effect of the bacon ball gag.

I've come up with something that is actually deliciously naughty to do with a hot bondage babe once you've got her all tied up, hot and bothered.

It involves the use of a ballgag for nefarious purposes.

Most women don't like to drool. They feel it is unseemly and undignified. Most men like to make women drool, especially within the context of sexual activity. The saying among men is, "If she drools, you rule." Typically, this does not refer to the use of ballgags or other bondage devices -- the idea is simply that if you give a woman orgasms that are sufficiently mind-blowing that afterward she just lies there with her eyes glazed, a thin trickle of drool coming out of her mouth and maybe wisps of steam coming out of her pussy, you are Da Man.

Which is true enough. But the nice thing about ballgags is, woman is going to drool whenever she wears one for any length of time, because the ball projecting into her mouth will trigger her drool reflex, and the hard surface of the ball won't absorb the drool (as a cloth cleave gag does). Plus, the ball won't block the drool from coming out of her mouth as a tapegag does.

No, with a ballgag the drool tends to slide out of the corners of her mouth and hang off her chin in long, sticky, embarrassing strands. As I noted in my article on why "drool rules" in addition to being annoying, this has some really nice sexual subtext (sticky stuff sometimes oozes out of what other pair of female lips?).

But some gals are going to fight the drool. They just don't like doing it. So here's a way to deal with that, or to increase your slave's drool to truly copious amounts: have her eat very little prior to your play session, so that she is quite hungry. But have her drink her fill of water.

Then, while she is gagged, cook something she really likes which has a strong, pungent odor, like bacon*, if she likes bacon. Finally, rub some bacon grease on the ballgag and put it back in her mouth.

She'll be drooling, and quite copiously. Call it "flavored gag discipline."

Of course, some guys like to rub their dick all over a ball gag before they put it in their slave's mouth. If THAT makes her drool a lot, you are a VERY lucky man indeed.

(And afterwards, you just might want to have some bacon on hand to slake the appetite you've created. Unless she's been insufficiently naughty, in which case you might wish to punish her by eating the bacon as she watches, with the bacon-flavored gag still in her mouth. Now, that's evil.)

*Don't try this particular food with a vegan, unless you're absolutely sure she's into being violated in this way.


For extra added fiendishness, make her wear a bacon bra and pull off the strips one by one and cook them to get grease for the bacon gag.

George Bernard Shaw: Early Blogger and Secret Bondage Pornographer???

George Bernard Shaw, pulling strings as he is wont to do.

George Bernard Shaw must have cleverly included bondage porn in his plays and his prefaces to his plays, because right about the time I started having curiously satisfying dreams of women tied up and getting thoroughly fucked, I was reading a lot of Shaw.

And prior to Shaw there were those famous bondage fiends Max Shulman, Robert Benchley, H. Allen Smith, James Thurber and Jack Douglas, among others.

I had no, repeat no, access to bondage porn of any kind prior to reaching adulthood, which was why I made my own. Like a lot of young adults of my generation, I thought I was uniquely perverted, for I had never encountered any references to Betty Page, much less seen a picture of her tied up and wearing a ballgag. She was well before my time anyway, but was the only mainstream icon of bondage prior to The Story of O.

The only bondage image I can recall from those days was the cover of a cheap pulp crime novel called, "Tonight, She's Yours" showing a bound damsel in a negligee anxiously watching a bunch of criminal types playing cards. And we're not talking whist or Old Maid either, these were Serious Bad Guys.

My primary recreational outlet was the public library of the rural town in which I lived. It was well stocked for a rural public library, but that's not saying much, I'm afraid.

My first love as a reader was science fiction and fantasy, but it didn't take me long to read every last book under that category the library had, especially in summer when my reading habit was a book a day, and if I hadn't had that library card I'd have been reduced to knocking over convenience stores so I could go to bookstores and finance my reading jones.

After science fiction and fantasy, my favorite kind of reading was humor. The library had a good selection of humor for a rural library, but ... it was, shall we say, kinda stale. That's how I got hooked on your Robert Benchleys, your James Thurbers, your Max Shulmans. (I'm pretty sure Benchley and/or Shulman were blacklisted during the McCarthy era. I guess the local witch-hunters never got around to purging the library of their pre-Commie writings, probably because they figured nobody reads that stuff. They figured WRONG, baby!)

Eventually I ran out of outdated humor collections and got really desperate. I asked the librarian about where else in the library I might find some yuks. She said she had heard George Bernard Shaw was funny (I think she saw me coming and decided to edumacate me). So I checked out a collection of Shaw plays and prefaces (Shaw always writes a lengthy preface to his plays, often an almost gossipy essay touching on politics, religion, etc. He would have been really comfortable writing a blog. If you read several of his prefaces in succession, it's obvious he was using them as a serial blog.)

To tell the truth, Shaw wasn't really a humorist like Benchley and Shulman, but he had a razor sharp wit and a real taste for skewering Victorian hypocrisy and pretense, especially in relation to class. And if there had been any Victorian hypocrisy and pretense around at the time, I would have been SOOO ready to work it over. If there had been anyone around trying to oppress others for rolling their "r"s or dropping their "h"s, I would have been SOOO ready with a witty epigram, or perhaps a bon mot or a mot juste. But I was living in the Deep South at the time, and although there was plenty of class oppression and hypocrisy floating around, most of it had to do with skin color (though the Deep South WAS and IS rich in sexual hypocrisy).

Unfortunately, Shaw's awareness of sexual hypocrisy arose during the Victorian Era (he was born in 1858, which means he would have been in his 20s and 30s from 1878 to 1898). In my day, pure-D Victorian hypocrisy has been hard to come by -- even in the Deep South we have long passed the point where arms and legs were referred to as "limbs" so they'd be less sexy.

I was like a fabulously well trained athlete in a sport that no longer existed. "42-man squamish! Anybody up for a game of 42-man squamish? I'll spot you the first kronger and STILL take you to school!"

The thing about Shaw, though, was that his prose was unusually crisp for the late 1800s, probably due to his experience as a playwright. His sentences, although sometimes lengthy by modern standards, weren't the polysyllabic trainwrecks that SOME conterporaries of his (Bulwer-Llyton, anyone?) indulged in. With very little change Shaw could probably have written a modern blog, if he'd been able to back off from the grammatical reforms he was het up on. (Shaw didnt use apostrophes, he wrote "dont" for "don't" and "wont" for won't and "cant" for "can't" -- he was just lucky the proper elision for "could not" wasn't something closer to the elision for "cannot.") And Shaw also used fonetik speling, which kuld take sum getting used to as wel. Especially with words like "marij" -- you know, that whole getting hitched thing.)

It's very hard to figure out where Shaw slipped in the bondage stuff that corrupted me, given that he was a notably asexual person and his writings tended to reflect it. As one critic put it, "Reading Shaw can teach you everything there is to know about human beings -- except that they have two different sexes." Although Shaw took on issues like romance, marriage, cuckoldry and prostitution in plays such as "Man and Superman," "Candide" and "Mrs. Warren's Professsion" he invariably did so in such a dry and philosophical manner that it really took some attention-paying to note that the plays had anything to do with sex.

Shulman, Benchley, Douglas and Ring Lardner, Jr., were more willing to deal with sexual subjects, but almost always in that 50s "take my wife ... please!" manner. Harbingers of the sexual revolution they were not. They might hint about some of the things that beatniks and jazz musicians got up to, but never all that explicitly. If you didn't already know what beatniks and jazz musicians were up to, you wouldn't learn it from them.

And I did not know what beatniks and jazz musicians were up to. They were too far before my time. They might as well have been flappers and stage-door Johnnies.

(Of course, there were all sorts of movies that make it perfectly clear that stage-door Johnnies hung around backstage at theaters and made goo-goo eyes at showgirls, but I never watched such movies -- they were all in black and white, and nobody watched those!)

Lest you think I am exaggerating about my ignorance, let me tell you how protective parents in the Deep South are of their kiddies. I was once in the Boy Scouts. I am not ashamed of it, I just didn't know any better. Anyway, this was one of those troops that did lots of camping and hiking instead of sitting around in a room talking about how virtuous they were, so they were several notches above many Scout troops. And we went on a long hike once. 50 miles, spread over a couple of days. In midsummer. In the Deep South. Nowadays, that would be considered tantamount to torture. We were under the impression that we were having fun. (Except for the kid who got prickly rash -- I believe he would have voted for the torture scenario.)

We were promised a treat at the end of the hike, a chance to see a movie for free at a theater. We figured that since it had been a long hike, it had to be something special. We were hoping it would be a recently released Bond film. That would be really cool. Explosions, shootings, car chases ... we were THERE for it.

What we got was ... and I am not making this up ... "Tammy Tell Me True." Somebody must have fished out of a closet somewhere, I mean, it had been a long while since it was a first-run movie. And what's more, not a movie to show to the sort of red-blooded Boy Scouts who go on 50-mile hikes! "Tammy Tell Me True" was a fricking GIRL SCOUT movie! Who did they think we were? We were furious! We had wanted ... we DESERVED ... a fricking Bond movie!

Many of us left the theater in disgust, after we'd scored our drinks and popcorn of course. We weren't crazy. But the Scout leaders and many parents clearly did not understand what an insult showing that movie to us was. They were that far out of it. Think a whole community of Flanderses. You won't be far off.

I never even saw a Playboy except as a cover on a magazine rack I could only look longingly at and never purchase. I knew that any attempt to purchase Playboy by a kid would result in finger-pointing, shocked expressions, fire alarms going off, SWAT team deployments, and possibly pursuit by crowds carrying torches and pitchforks.

And yet, I was creating drawings that looked very much like this image from Sex and Submission, except that it was very badly drawn, of course. (Let's say I was capable of creating something more than a diagram, but not anything anyone would confuse with art, fine or otherwise.) Where we these images coming from? My sex fantasies of course, but at the time I wouldn't admit that even to myself.

And the thing is, it couldn't be me or who I was that had anything to do with these dreams and drawings. It had to be the media, because as we all know everything that anyone does is a direct result of something they've seen on TV or the movies, or in the rare instances of readers such as myself, read in a book.

OK, I did watch TV but I just couldn't relate to it. In TV land, women walked around dressed in revealing clothing in venues other than a swimming pool, and sometimes deliberately acted sexy. This was completely contrary to my experience. I learned early on that TV was entertaining, but had nothing to do with the real world.

OK, I did occasionally see women bound and gagged on TV, but it never occurred to me that such images had anything to do with my bondage dreams and fantasies. For one thing, they were fully clothed. For another, they weren't having sex with anyone, especially me. For another, they appeared not to be having a good time. And for yet anotherer thing, the bondage was generally badly done, brief, badly lit and incidental, even when the whole plot of the show was, say, a kidnapping.

I must admit, the time I saw Emma Peel tied to a chair while wearing a leather catsuit with waist cutouts in a rerun of the Avengers, I was quite struck. But I didn't think it was the bondage. I thought it was the sexy leather suit, and the sexy Diana Rigg inside of it. And to a large extent, I was probably right, especially about the sexy Diana Rigg.

Y'know, thinking about it, I do have a theory about why Shaw, Benchley, Shulman, Douglas and the guys slipped sexual bondage corruption stuff into their writings. (Though I still have no idea HOW they did it, due to the near-total absence of sexual bondage content in their writings.) There IS a thread that unites them all, for you see, George Bernard Shaw was a Fabian socialist. Now, why and how Victorian socialists were influenced by Fabian is the topic of another essay, one that makes even less sense than this one. But the fact that Shaw was a socialist and Benchley, Douglas and Shulman were accused Communists points to one and only one conclusion: it's all part of a dirty Commie plot to destroy the youth of America. The scheming bastards.

I rest my case. George Bernard Shaw was a secret bondage pornographer. It's only logical.

Did Helen Mirren Appear in the Roughie Western Hot Spur?

On the right, we have a young Helen Mirren in Age of Consent. On the left we have an actress who looks a whole lot like a slightly older Helen Mirren in Hot Spur.

Did famous British actress Helen Mirren appear in the roughie Western "Hot Spur" back in 1969? We think we have photographic evidence that she did (see image above, see article at link for more almost convincing images). But then, we also think robots are stealing our luggage. Still, don't dismiss this theory as the peabrained malarkey it so clearly is, because it's OUR theory and our feelings would really be hurt if you did.

The Perfect String Thong Bikini

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Danger of Mass Bikini Babe Abduction Scenes

Now that's bringing on the sexy cheese, baby! A mass bikini babe abduction scene from the defunct bikini cop "dramatic" series, "Acapulco HEAT."

Acapulco HEAT was by all accounts a very bad TV series. But it certainly had more than its share of damsel in distress scenes, often very sexy ones as it was about a group of swimsuit-wearing cops. (I'm sure there was a rationale for swimsuit wearing cops -- beachfront undercover cops, maybe -- but what sane guy would care, as the result is bikini clad female cops? Bikini cops, man! Bikini cops!)

It also had a memorable scene, the one pictured above, showing a mass bikini babe abduction. Baby, that's delivering the CHEEEEESE. Television genius!

But there's a danger in mass bikini babe abductions, especially if not all the bikini babe abductees are topnotch thespians: I am referring of course to the dreaded "damsel dimples."

Look at these women. They are all grinning like loons. They do not look like terrified damsels kidnapped by white slavers or whomever at all. They look like young women on a television shoot having a whale of a time.


Yah. Terrified, alrighty.

Surely their smiles must have lessened the dramatic impact of the scene somewhat. But remember what we are dealing with: a bikini cop TV series. There's not much they could have done to help it other than be their cute young selves, and it's hard to see how the show could have been hurt so long as they were mostly clad in bikinis and lookin' good, which they were.

Still, if you're a director it's always important to watch the background bikini babes whenever you're shooting a mass bikini babe abduction scene. The absurd fun of the situation presents a constant danger. You never know when the grins will start breaking out.

Nude, Bound, Argentinian Damsel in Distress

This woman has naturally large breasts. You can tell when she bounces up in down with excitement as she begs to be released. Yum.

A fellow opined recently on Brianspage that Diane Lane's lengthy gag scene on "Untraceable" was the scene of the year, for him. Others pointed out that the year was far from over and thought he might be a tad premature in his opinion.

I think sometimes a scene comes along that is so good you know from past experience that nothing can beat it -- Nastassia Kinski's nude bondage sex spreadeagle on "Cat People" back in 1982 comes to mind. What's going to beat that? Darned near nothing.

Well, if the scene above from "Sabrina Petinatto Amordazata," an Argentinian comedy show of some kind were to have appeared on U.S. TV this month or even in February I wouldn't have had any problem naming it the scene of the year on TV. I mean, incredibly curvaceous blond gagged and bound with tape and stark naked otherwise? What's not to like? And the bouncing and the mmphing and the fact that it's a comedy so all in good fun? Even better. The fact that I can't understand the language so I'm not groaning at how puerile the humor is? PRICELESS.

Why don't we get this kind of stuff in the U.S.?

Oh, yeah, the Flanderses. Fricking Flanderses.

Zapp Brannigan and the Peach Gag Girl

Is that some kind of sex organ in your mouth, or are you just glad to see me?

Let me be frank: I do not like stuff gags. Any gag that can be removed just by spitting it out is just plain silly. But there is one category of stuff gag I like even less than the rest: the fruit gag, because the damsel has the option of either spitting it out or eating it to get rid of it.

But I'll make an exception for the gag pictured above. (It's from a 1996 Brazilian film called Olhos de Vampa.) It is without a doubt the most obscene gag I've ever seen. The way the peach fills her mouth and the way its color matches the damsel's skin tone makes it appear that some kind of bizarre sex organ is lodged in her mouth.

I can only think of one person who could deal with a gag like that, and that's the intrepid Zapp Brannigan of Futurama.

(Scene: Zapp Brannigan, Kif and Doctor McCoy from Star Trek Original are standing around Peachgag Girl (who has been stripped naked and clapped in irons on the scriptwriters's orders).)

Brannigan: Can you tell what that thing in her mouth is, doctor?

McCoy: It appears to be the head of a giant cock.

Brannigan: What does that mean?

McCoy: Well, given that she appears to also have a fully functional set of female sex organs, I'd say it means she's probably from a hermaphroditic species.

Brannigan: Yes, but what does THAT mean, doctor?

McCoy (sighs, rolls eyes heavenward): It means she has both male and female sex organs. She must have orgasms that will blow your socks off.

Brannigan (thinks): I must personally investigate the sexuality of this strange new alien!

McCoy: If that means what I think it does, you should be aware that she is probably going to jam that cock thing in her mouth down your throat.

Brannigan: Eeeew! Gross! (Thinks again.) Doctor, do you think it would matter to the alien whose throat it's jamming its mouth cock thing into?

(Kif suddenly gets a horrified expression.)

McCoy: I don't know, it's an alien. It might matter a lot, it might not matter at all. It might PREFER to put its cock thing into a different throat than ... yours.

Brannigan: That's all I'm asking for, Doctor, a chance! (Thinks again.) Now who ... oh, I know. Kif! Kif! That's funny he was here a minute ago. He appears to have run away for some reason.

(Peachgag Girl suddenly spits out the peach, which rolls across the floor to Brannigan's feet.)

Brannigan: That was quite an orgasm! Blew its cock clean off! It must have been the nearness of me. I've been known to have that effect on women of many species.

(McCoy: Picks up peach, examines it closely, sniffs it, holds his medical tricorder up to it, checks reading.)

McCoy: This isn't alien genitalia! It's a peach!

Brannigan: A peach?

McCoy: An ancient Earth fruit that became extinct during the Global Reheating of the 2300s. That must mean that she ... is an Earth human! That peach fooled me, um, us ... completely!

Brannigan: Human she may be, but now I feel even more compelled to study her strange, peach-centric sexuality.

McCoy: Nobody saw that coming.

Brannigan: Have Kif bring some "after the lovin'" towels and cigarettes to my room in, oh, about ten minutes.

McCoy: How do you know she's willing to come across, Brannigan?

Brannigan: She's in chains, doctor, and she's naked. Obviously, she's horny as hell. I can't let womanly needs like that go unsatisfied.

McCoy: I thought she was stripped and put in chains on YOUR orders.

Brannigan: Now, now, let's not get all wrapped up in who ordered what done to whom. The point is, this poor Earth woman needs lovin', and Zapp Brannigan is just the man to do it!

END

The Ballgag On the Cutting Room Floor

Hey, Jennifer, did you know your ballgag was on crooked? Do you want all the OTHER damsels in distress to be laughing at you?


Here's an image of Jennifer Garner wearing a ballgag from her "Alias" TV series. Except you'll never see it in any episode of "Alias" or in any commercial or promo that ever aired in the US.

That's because it was aired only in Europe or South America or some exotic place like that, and only in a promotional ad. It never appeared in the series ... anywhere ... and never appeared in the US in any form.

Why did they bother to shoot a scene with Jennifer Garner in a ballgag and then not use it? I don't know. Maybe because the ballgag was way too large for Ms. Garner, so she's having to wear it outside her mouth instead of inside her mouth, which invariably looks foolish. (Julie Brown beautifully exploited the humor potential of this aspect of ballgags in her parody film "Plump Fiction.")

So, here it is, a rarity, not available in the US except through the mysterious ways of the intertubes: Jennifer Garner sitting in a car with some guy who looks kinda like Donald Sutherland (R.I.P.) while wearing a ballgag. Badly. But wearing it. Enjoy! (If you want to see the full size image of her with the guy click on this text.)

(Now if I can just find a vidcap that chair tie of Claire Forlani that never made it to the final cut in "Mystery Men.")

Carla Gugino Cuffed in Threshold

Carla Gugino gets locked into some cuffs in the "Revelations" episode of Threshold, a defunct science fiction TV series that recently had a few episodes rebroadcast as a SciFi Channel mini-marathon of the series.

It's not a great scene in many respects: it is shot mostly in poor lighting, the shots are brief and montage-ish (I believe Gugino's character is supposed to be experiencing her captivity as a druggish, trippy scene). Gugino also has a lot of fake blood on her neck and a little on her face, though she shows no sign of pain.

I couldn't even tell how Gugino was secured for certain after watching it in slo-mo because the scene was so badly lit and shot. I think she had a set of handcuffs on each wrist, with the free end attached to a chain which was wrapped around one of the pipes behind her. But I'm just guessing.

In fact, I wouldn't even have bothered to tell anybody about this scene except for three things:

1) It's Carla Gugino, who has a hot bod and is tres sexy in my humble opinion.

2) There are a lot of very nice shots of Gugino trying to pick the lock on her cuffs, clearly not lit as the rest of the scene is, that do show the cuffs quite nicely.

3) In a move that is radically different from the norm in mainstream movies and TV shows, Gugino is dressed considerably sexier than she is in Threshold. Her character is in charge of a government program aimed at preventing a secret alien invasion of Earth, so she tends to wear a lot of power suits that do much to minimize her basic curvaceousness. But in this particular scene, Gugino wears a form-fitting white suit that shows off her rack quite nicely.

In many bondage scenes on TV and in mainstream movies, female characters are inexplicably dressed in extra fuddy-duddy garments that are considerably less form-fitting than what they usually wear. The best you can usually hope for is a character who dresses sexy in their normal scenes (think "Acapulco Heat") who DOESN'T get all fuddy-duddied up for her bondage scene.

Having an normally fuddy-duddy dressing character like Gugino's dressed sexier than normal for a bondage scene is, if not unheard of in the mainstream, extremely rare. It's not worth sending out a press release or writing a major article, but it's probably worth a blog post. Kinda like this one.

Conan the Barbarian of ... Gor?

Sure looks like it!

Well, Conan isn't really a Gorean, according to Volumes 1 and 2 of Savage Sword of Conan, a trade paperback reprint of what many consider to be one of the finest comics of the 1970s in terms of the quality of the artwork and the stories, which I review in this article on my site.

If given a choice between binding and gagging a captive or a slavegirl and not doing so, Conan would choose not to, all things being equal, because it was less bother. Not that he has any OBJECTION to binding and gagging women if it seems to be the right thing to do ... he kidnaps them, after all.

Conan also seems to take the consent of slavegirls for granted, at least, those whose skills are sexual. He pimps out one slavegirl as part of a scam to pass her off as a princess and collect a fat ransom for her. In a lot of respects, not just the sexual ones, Conan is NOT a nice guy.

However, the Savage Sword of Conan stories are so beautifully drawn and told that frankly, I just didn't care. It was a feast for the eyes and the mind. Check out my article if you don't believe me.

Nurse Me or Else

In hentai, women are really put on a pedestal. With another woman. Tied up. Naked. And in a glass bowl. Yeah, that's the hentai version all right.

For Cinco de Mayo we have "Nurse Me," a hentai which attempts to be a humorous story about a nurse in training whom EVERYONE wants to rape. Male, female, young, old, they all press their unwanted sexual advances on her virginal self. It's billed as a comedy, but it's not funny, which is ... a bit of a problem. We also look at "Candy" a film which does the same thing more successfully, with Ewa Aulin as the pork chop sought by so many hound dogs ... but not all that successfully, and "Defiance of Good and Evil" a hardcore porn film from the 70s which has a more realistic rape scene than either of these films ... which really kills your average boner.

In addition to that, rape is dangerous ground to tread in the US unless you do it purely on the grounds of condemnation. Light-hearted humor just isn't going to fly here, and if it's not all that funny besides, it will land with a thud. As this hentai does. But it does provide an excuse for looking at the way it was handled in those other films.

Disclaimer: I personally hate rape. I can't get off sexually unless my partner is clearly having a good time. Rapists are a problem for everyone who likes bondage because bondage is associated with rape, even though most rapes involve no bondage whatsoever. I feel at liberty to think about rape in cinema because I think there's a difference between reality and fantasy.

Why Aren't There Any Naked or Half-Naked Women Dancing Channels On TV?

In which I make a valiant attempt to answer what is perhaps the most pressing yet curiously unasked question of our time. Wouldn't it be great to be able to turn the TV over to a channel that features good music and naked or half-naked (see illustration above) women dancing to it. We've got strip clubs all over the place which are a TESTAMENT to the interest guys have in naked women dancing, yet nobody has thought to create a cable channel to cater to this interest?

Good God, man, there's a freaking GOLF CHANNEL! There's a home and garden channel. So why not a strip club channel? I've written a fully illustrated article to address this question, so vital to our national something or other. It features images from the following films: Playboy Playmate Music Videos, Playboy Fantasies, Outlaw of Gor as seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Split Second, Midnight Tease 2, Day of the Warrior and Chupacabra Terror. It features images of the following actresses: Julie K. Smith, Donna Edmonson, Rebecca Armstrong, Barbara Edwards, Shannon Long, Sandy Greenberg, Coco Austin, Chelan Simmons, Luciana Salazar and Tina Shaw, as well as images of a host of unnamed bikini models. It's truly great journalism.