Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Prison Overcrowding Solved

"Um, I have to go pee." "That's why the floor is grillwork, honey."

The cells at the Arnold Schwarzenegger Prison for Women had been designed to sleep two in very close quarters. Then as overcrowding in women's prisons, including Arnold Schwarzenegger Prison for Women, had continued, they put in bunk beds so the cells could sleep four in great discomfort.

It was when the staff begin duct-taping inmates to the ceiling so the cells could sleep six in incredible discomfort that inmate #5707 had cried, "Oh, why doncha put us in cages the size of our own bodies and be done with it, bitches?"

"Why that's a VERY good idea, 5707," the guard had replied. "I'll pass it on to the warden."

And thus the Individual Total Safety Sleep-Eez Cell was born. It came with a built-in brank so inmates wouldn't make too much noises when confined to their individual cells, possibly disturbing one another's sleep. (Some inmates complained that it was very hard to sleep standing up with a gag locked in your mouth, to which the response was, "What do you think we're running here, a luxury hotel?"

When a civil lawsuit was brought before the Supreme Court alleging that the Individual Total Safety Sleep-Eez Cell constituted cruel and unusual punishment, Judge Antonin Scalia wrote a decision saying, "What the hell, we're all Bush appointees, we're OK with torturing prisoners and, well, everyone for that matter."

And thus the problem of prison overcrowding in America was solved, since you could hang the Individual Total Safety Sleep-Eez Cell from almost anything.

1 comment:

Pat Powers said...

In case anyone is wondering, the image is Angel Boris in bondage in the film "Warlock III: The End of Innocence."